Moments like these, when I gaze into the horizon, always infuse me with feelings of time long gone, places long forgotten, places I want to be and what it is that makes me.. me.
I really hate the saying “it is what is is”, when it’s applied to situation or to the outcomes of life events or so. I used to think that one should not regret anything in their lives, for those times are away now, and there’s nothing one can do about them.
I read an interview of the band Tiamat’s vocalist. He lives in Greece now, and said that he can’t go back to his original home of Sweden, because he sees too many things that make him question the choices he has made. This made me think about the choices I’ve made..
Then, last March, I heard “Ah, to go back with what I know now..”
If I could go back with what I know now, knowing that even if I’d change the moment, I would not lose my memories of the time in this “timeline”, would I? Yes and no. There are things I regret saying and doing, things that I curse afterwards on being part of, words spoken that I have later realized where faulty. Sometimes I wish I could go back.. not to fix things in a total different way, but to approach things in a different angle. Starting things with different tones and words..
Yeah, easy to say now, now that enough time has passed to make me understand how locked up and tired things and people were back then. Things like that make you wonder if you can ever truly understand anything the moment it’s going on, but only after it’s passed and you’ve impotently hammered the floors with your fists in tears and despair. Funny how time gives you perspective.
So would I change anything? Would you change anything? Is there any insight to be gained from pondering that? All we can do, is to move on and remember the cruelest lesson.. of once having it all, only to let it slip past our fingers because of petty things. It’s not the loss.. but the understanding of what you had, once. And.. that life goes on, and even back then, as now, we make the best of it.
That is not to say that what I have now is less in worth, quite the contrary.
Above all, the choices I’ve made have been made, I am here now, and I am happy, looking towards the future, again to the moon and to the horizon.. where the wild things are..